My flight leaves tomorrow.

Nostalgia for home has been replaced with a general anxiety for the immediate future and so the next six months begin. I think any sort of extended trip like this causes a fair bit of worry for people because it involves leaving the safe little cocoons that wealth is able to purchase in America. We are safe, and safe feels good.

But I've also come up with a bit of a strange theory about what this anxiety means: all fear is ultimately a fear of death. Now, in order to illustrate exactly what I'm trying to say here I need to take you all through some admittedly strange thought processes. And in order to do that, I need to start where this thought did: with my fear of planes. I actually fly a reasonable bit, but somehow I still manage to need to take some deep breaths every time I takeoff. I don't care if cars are more dangerous (a 1/6,000 chance of death/10,000 miles driven) than planes (a 1/9.2 million chance of death/flight), there's just something damn unsettling about being hurled through the sky in an alluminum phallus. By the way, my stepbrother recently told me I had an obsession with statistics, but that's neither here nor there.

But even if cars are more dangerous, the real difference and the reason we (we being most reasonable people, screw the rest of you) fear planes more is because of their immediacy to death. In your car, death is an easier thing to distance yourself from because it doesn't pose a constant threat because of low speeds, stops, etc. In a plane on the other hand, you have a 36,000 foot memento mori every time you slide open your window. I suppose I can only really speak for myself here, but that memento and the fear that comes with it can be dimmed by some reading material and an inflight apple juice but it never really goes away.

Think about it-- that feeling you get on planes (or used to get before you Red Carpet Members conditioned yourself not to) is the original fear. I know for a lot of you this isn't necessarily a particularly revelatory thing, but for me it is. That is it-- all fear is a fear of death.

But the thing is that death itself is not a factor in our lives because when it comes we are not bothered by it (see: Epicurus). Thus, the only true way that death affects us is in how our fear of it affects how we live our lives. This is what we need to remind ourselves of any time we are afraid of anything. It's easy to say but hard to live by: the only true way that death affects us is in how our fear of it affects in our lives. THAT's IT. Death isn't real.

No, really, I mean it.

Don't doubt me now. I know when you read that sentence the first time you went right along with it. Actually, I'm not even saying you don't need to be afraid of death; what I am saying is that you need to act as though you don't fear death. It can never, ever, affect any decision you make. Then it becomes real and real is bad.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I might be crossing my fingers during turbulence, I will be on that plane. I know, I'm a pussy-- but the plane is just an example; people get so crippled by fear they're unwilling to act. So the next time you decide not to do something, ask yourself if you're afraid. If the answer's yes, then you already know what you have to do.

Of course... this promotes a certain lifestyle. But you probably could have already guessed that.

Home

I'm from Greenville, Delaware. It's the most beautiful place in the world and I'm sure where you come from is too. I always get a bit nostalgic when I have to leave it but like Van Morrison says below, nostalgia doesn't always have to negative. It sucks to go, sure, but that's a good thing. It means that I care. I care about my family and friends here. I care about the roads I drive on and even more about where those roads take me. I care that we have no sales tax which, if you didn't know, is awesome.

But the crazy thing is, I don't even think I'm going to move back here after college. I want the West and the freedom it has long brought. In a way, it hurts to leave Delaware now because I know that every time I go I get a little bit closer to no longer living here. But that sadness is negative and with it we get back to what Van was saying: just because you love something doesn't mean it should tether you down. When you say goodbye to anything or anybody there's nothing to do but be happy it happened, even if you're sad it's over. All the material things we grow so attached to, people included, will one day cease to exist. So keep the nostalgia, that's the grateful part, but let the sadness go. It accomplishes nothing. Everything and everybody is constantly coming and going.

Shouldn't you be?


Some photos I took today of the First State included. I told you it was pretty.

"There is nothing wrong with change,

if it is in the right direction."

And with this self-conscious attribution to Winston Churchill, Wayward Gentry henceforth changes direction.

The quotes are out.

Yes, you read correctly. And yes, for those of you paying too much attention, I did change the blog's subtitle-- quotation is no longer a serviceable substitute for wit*, okay? There. That's that. I'm glad we got that out of the way.

Moving on... One week from today I leave for two months in Buenos Aires and from there I head to Barcelona for the rest of the year. Life is pretty damn good these days if you weren't aware.

Over the last couple of months, I have been giving you all the words of those who have walked dangerously close to the edge of truth and one day I hope to have done the same.

There you go-- my raison d'etre is now front and center. And, since you're reading this blog, I'm going to guess that yours is something similar. Sure, it's not exactly the same, and it shouldn't be, but in the end meaning is all any of us are after. You have to look for it each and every moment of your existence and even then, it's fucking tough to find.

But hey, you gotta' look anyways, and this is the beginning of my search. I hope you come along. Along the way, I'll offer you some words of my own. I can't promise you that they will be particularly illuminating but I can promise that they will be sincere and maybe, just maybe, the tiniest bit entertaining.

So, let's go. I'm tired of attributing.




*psst... Oscar Wilde.

"Tell me,

what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

-Mary Oliver

"I think careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one."

Well said Alexander Supertramp. I'm sure Christopher McCandless would agree.

"Death will give us back to God,

just like the setting sun is returned to the lonesome ocean.

And then they splashed into the deep blue sea,
Oh, it was a wonderful Splash!"

-Conor Oberst

"If you label it this, then it can't be that."

Some Zen from the Merry Pranksters and Tom Wolfe.

Speaking of which, what is the sound of one hand clapping?